The Most Legendary And Pointless Court Case Ever
by a mountain of gideon's scones
Summary: Sam a dead man vs Michael, with Richard the judge, debating who is the best. Just who is? And why is Myrnin covered in dirt? For me and Hanzii, to settle my belief THAT SAM IS BETTER! R&R please guys! Utter humour in this!


_This is a fic which is going to settle the dispute between me and Hannah (Hanzii) __**once and for all**__._

_Of course, I hope that the result is that __**Sam**__ is the winner; if you want to affect it, vote on my poll!_

_Before any of you say anything, Amelie and Michael (deffo Amelie I think) are OOC, so DO NOT comment on this!_

* * *

"Will everybody _please_ shut up?" the judge, also called Richard Morrell but has taken on the judging job for today, cried as he threw his head into his hands. Really! All he wanted was a nice day of R and R, chilling out in the job as a temporary judge. There were no court cases scheduled for today; the post only needed filling incase of an emergency.

… (the events that made him yell)…

So when Michael and Amelie came in, all guns blazing, he realised that his desire for a peaceful day was entirely blown out of the water. The way that she was seething and he looked as if he wanted to hit her but also cry – the hitting of the Founder is a _bad_ thing – probably at something Amelie said.

"Judge we need… wait, Richard, last I checked you were the mayor – since when were _you_ the judge?" Amelie began, her voice so high pitched it went through his ears.

"I need some extra cash since Hannah is pregnant," he told her in a steady tone, trying to remain detached yet respectful whilst talking to the Founder. "What can I do for you Amelie? And Michael, since I presume you are here to have a case heard?" he continued, getting more business like and professional by the end of it.

Amelie shot Michael an evil glare, one that could probably have killed him if he were still human, before turning back to Richard with a tear in her eye. "I need you to make a decision whether Sam or Michael is better," she said, causing Richard's eyebrows to raise higher than he thought they ever had before.

"Amelie," he said her name gently, looking down at her from the judge's seat in the court room. The height difference didn't make much difference: her anger made her seem eight foot tall anyway, so they were almost looking level, if that makes sense. "Sam is dead. He can't exactly stand in court and… what even _are_ you fighting about anyway?" Richard realised that the debate (Sam vs Michael) _didn't even make sense_!

She shook her head and moved onto the other side of the room from Michael, who began to flash death looks at her this time. "I am standing in for Sam, unless there is a way of bringing him back," she explained the logistics of how Sam would be defended since he wasn't there in the world of the living any longer. "This debate is in action because Michael was likened to Sam and I realised that he was nothing like-" she began to explain the reason why they were there until Michael cut in.

"To clarify, she began to insult me when I sad I missed Sam, she yelling at me that I am nothing like him and that I am a filthy… _how_ did you put it, you crazy cow? Ahh yes, apparently I am a 'filthy halfbreed who needs to get over this attachment with Sam because I am nothing like him'," he snapped back, his eyes flashing with anger. "Well let me tell you _this_, Amelie. You are in the wrong race _entirely_ for half breeds – that is Harry Potter – and this attachment is something called _he was my Grandad_!" he continued, the anger in his voice splintering Richard's head even further. Nobody but Michael right now would get away with calling Amelie a 'crazy cow', but the entire stress of the situation allowed him to get away with it.

So the weary judge lifted his hand for silence… just as the back doors burst open and Oliver barged in, flanked by Claire, Eve and Shane. _Just fricking great – __**more**__ ammunition in this fight_, Richard thought as he waved for them to close the doors behind themselves… the only one that was missing now: Myrnin.

"What's going on?" Shane asked as he saw Amelie and Michael shooting each other daggers, one at the defending end of the court, one at the side that the police always used.

"Your friend and the Founder are having a dispute as to whether Michael or Sam is better," Richard informed him wearily, pinching the bridge of his nose as he processed the absurdity of this situation he was in. Not only was the argument between two vampires, one of them being Amelie, she was defending a _dead_ man! And that dead man? Yeah, he's the Grandfather of the one Amelie is challenging!

Claire instantly looked intrigued, moving across before hesitating: who should she side with? So, in the end, she sat in the neutral ground with Shane, Eve moving to be with Michael whilst Oliver (no surprise there) went straight for Amelie. Even though she was fighting for Sam – still _is_ fighting for Sam Richard realises, as he looks at the present – he still wanted to be with the woman he loved…

"Let the most ridiculous court case there has _ever_ been commence," Richard said with a sigh, his hammer banging down on the little hammer banging thing that you are supposed to put it on. "Amelie, since you were the one who initiated this with both me and apparently Michael, make your first point about why Sam is better than Michael," he continued, his voice so quiet if it wasn't for the microphone you wouldn't be able to hear him.

Michael and Eve sat down in the chairs, glowering in Amelie's direction, whilst the white queen stood up, proud that she got to go first. "I am vilifying Sam's good name from the grave, so bear with me a moment," she said slowly, her eyes misting over.

"Stop trying to play the tear card and the whole 'I lost the love of my life' thing because, face it psycho, he was my Grandad and that's worth more," Michael snapped at her and the room took in a deep breath of shock at him calling Amelie a 'psycho'.

"Did he?" Claire asked Shane who nodded.

"Yes, he just called Amelie a psycho," he confirmed verbally, the entire room in a state of shock. This is, of course, besides for Richard who looked as if he was about to fall into a state of comatosis, he was that disinterested.

"Back to Amelie," he sighed, realising they were waiting for a decision from him. "And if you interrupt again, Michael, I'll sentence you to community service in the park at midday so shut up," he continued, as Amelie began to speak but Michael was about to butt him.

"_Thank_ you, Richard," Amelie responded pointedly, once again glaring at the Grandson of her love, the one she is defending against… well, the point of this hearing seems to have changed slightly… but how? "Now, one reason that Sam is better is because he is a red head. The colour has so much depth to it, so much meaning, it is truly marvellous… then you get Michael, who is a blond who has the wits of a monkey," she snorted at her own joke which Claire was about to dispute since monkeys are clever but her sense of self preservation kicked in.

"So what was the point there, Amelie?" Richard asked in a monotone voice, counting down the minutes until he can kick them out. Unfortunately for him, it's about three hours away. "The colour of Sam's hair, or the fact that he has more wits than Michael who is likened to a monkey?" he pointed out the two points made by the Founder.

She hesitated for a moment before making her decision. "The former choice: Sam's luscious hair colour is the most important of the two, I believe," she said with a smile, sinking back into her chair as she realised that it was time for Michael to defend himself.

"I would like to say that my point of being better than my Grandfather is that I can play the guitar and he couldn't," Michael grinned. "Whilst I may not _want_ to be a babe magnet, even as a vampire I can draw in the girls with my singing and guitar skills, so that is why I am better," he continued, realising afterwards that he had made two points there. That is mainly through the way that Amelie was pointing angrily in his direction.

"Same question as to Amelie," Richard groaned, taking a huge sip of his coffee before disposing of it in the bin and pouring himself fresh from the pot behind the counter. "Singing or guitar skills is your point?"

Michael deliberated this point for a moment before deciding. "The guitar: that's the real babe magnet," he decided with a smile, Amelie grimacing as she realised that this _was_ a leg up that Michael had on Sam.

"Back to you, Amelie," Richard motioned to Amelie, wondering if any of them would notice if he got out his Samsung Galaxy S (nice phone but dies too quickly) and start to play Traffic Control. He began to play and none of them noticed, Amelie getting engrossed in her spiel.

"Sam is better because he didn't defend the wrong people: he didn't have a single bad bone in his body," Amelie said, not exactly clear in her definition. Before Richard could complain – if he even noticed inbetween accidentally colliding a truck with a car – she clarified. "The point there is that he didn't have a bad bone in his body – he never bit a human and only drank from the blood bank," she said, smiling vindictively as she knew that the secret between Michael and Eve hadn't made it's way to Shane and Claire yet.

"I haven't bit a human either!" Michael defended himself loudly, standing up and blocking Eve from Amelie's view. The latter shook her head and smiled even wider, her eyes fixed behind Michael on Eve's very wide choker necklace.

"I can sense it Michael, as can Oliver, and I can see the healing of the bite wounds on your girlfriend," she laughed sardonically, just as Michael turned into the vampire he was with his fangs down and eyes red.

"You… well, at least I'm not _dead_!" he fought back, ignoring the squeals of shock from Claire and Shane about the entire biting thing – they _really_ need to keep up if they're going to stay neutral!

Amelie gasped in shock at that, the low blow shocking her more than she could say and silencing her for a moment, until she finds an angle to use that from. "Well… at least Sam is a hero and died for us all… he died for you after saving your skin about five million times in your life. He is the hero and you're just a loser who is trying to live up to him but is failing miserably!" she yelled back at him, her hands shaking at the way that she had to fight through the memory of his death. Richard looked up at the clock: wow, an hour gone already… and he had only gotten through three levels of his game!

Just as Michael was about to retaliate, the back doors flew open and the only missing cog from the party arrived, with a _really_ strange contraption in his hands.

The crazy scientist Myrnin… who else?

"_Why_ are you covered in dirt, Myrnin, could you _be_ more of a stereotypical vampire?" Claire questioned her boss with a grin on her face, noticing how the dirt was encrusted in his hair, under his nails and had entirely saturated his clothing.

"I had to do a bit of digging in the graveyard about something to do with this case," he shrugged, causing the entire room (besides Richard who was still engrossed in his addictive game) to gasp in shock…

"_You dug Sam up_?" Amelie hissed at him in anger, shaking once again when he nodded his head with a smile. He then indicated his contraption thing and smiled as he moved to place it on the table. "I hope that Michael will assist me in killing you for _violating Sam's body_ before we continue our debate?" she turned to her worst enemy three seconds ago who was then nodding in agreement.

Oliver laughed as Myrnin put one hand in the air, the other fiddling with the device on the table. "Wait, before you kill me, I have a way for Sam to defend himself as himself, if that makes sense!" he called as the predators descended on him.

Amelie stopped in confusion, not seeing how this stupid piece of crap – like most of what Myrnin made – could bring her Sam back. "He can come back to life?"

"No, that is currently beyond the capabilities of it," he said regretfully, his shoulders slumping (Myrnin that is). "However, I can bring up a corporeal image of him as I added a few things to his chest and head, which shall send electrical impulses through and have him materialise as a ghost in front of us, able to talk as himself," he defended his actions instantly, realising that confirming that it wouldn't bring Sam back probably angered Amelie further.

She hesitated, looking at the box. "Do it the. He can defend himself now," she sighed deeply, sitting down in the chair as a burst of colour came from the machine. "Oh my, Sam!" she exclaimed his name as tears fell down her cheeks whilst her eyes focused on the image of Sam.

He appeared just like he had when he was alive, besides for the fact that you could now see through him and he wasn't really there. But the smile on his face was the same, the way that he looked at Amelie first and then Michael.

"I have missed you all…. I take it that we are here to have a showdown between me and Michael?" he confirmed and everyone nodded. Richard chose this moment to look up and had to drink three cups of coffee before accepting that it _was_ Sam before him, that he wasn't alive but he wasn't entirely dead.

"I'm alive, you're dead, therefore I win," Michael pointed out with a smile that soon faded as soon as Sam turned to look at him with a hard expression.

"I died so that you could have a life and be free – I don't think that that means you 'win', Michael," his grandfather fought back viciously, deciding that he _wanted_ to get involved in this now. "And I am better than you simply because I am in love and have been for over fifty years with the most perfect person in the world," he continued, forgetting for a moment that Michael had Eve.

The blond angel stood up triumphantly and pulled Eve around. "Well, I have my girlfriend and guess what, Sam? I can _kiss her_!" and then he proceeded to do that, making an extreme point with the kiss.

This caused noises of outrage on both side, even in the neutral spot who didn't want anyone to win, so much so that Richard gave up trying to reach the end of his coffee pot – 35l, so almost impossible – and yelled at them.

"Will everybody _please_ shut up?" he yelled at them all as he placed his head in his hands. "Sam, go back off to your grave – you don't need to be here for a debate that was started when you were dead. Amelie, Michael, Eve, Claire, Shane, Oliver, _sit down_!" he commanded them all, so forcefully that they paid attention.

"Now, I am going to say this once and once only. I do not _care_ who is better, more important, whatever. The only reason I am _in_ this job is because I wanted some extra money and hopefully a chance to relax without having to listen to what car seat is best for the baby!" he began his tirade, revealing his Hannah's pregnancy.

"Hannah is pregnant? Congrats!" Claire called out with a smile.

"Thank you Claire. But my point is… who cares? Michael, you can think you are better if you want, Sam and Amelie you can think you are better if you want! However, if I have to hear _one more word_ on the matter, I shall _personally_ get together all the hooligans in the town and stake you all, understand?" he yelled as he stood up, Mr Scary Man for the first time since they had all known him.

"Yes, your honour," they all, even the vampires, chorused as he disappeared.

And that is how they came to be at a stalemate.

"I think I'm better," Michael muttered as he walked out of the room without even saying bye to his disappearing ghost of a Grandad.

"I know I'm better," Sam murmured as he stood with Amelie, about to disappear. "Bye Amelie, I love you. Make sure you continue to tell Michael that I am better than him!" he whispered as he disappeared.

The only one who didn't seem too fussed about either side was Myrnin… "I think _I'm _the best," he whispered with an evil grin… "MWAHAHAHAH!" he gave his evil laugh as he packed away his machine, wondering what he could do to get the dirt out of his hair… maybe he could get a shower?

* * *

_**Your turn**__…_

* * *

_YOU are the one who decides who wins…_

… _so review and say SAM or Michael…_

_I personally am voting the one in the capitals, Sam…_

… _also, please vote on the one on my profile!_

_Hope you enjoyed this! it was hilarious to write!_

_Vicky xx_


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